i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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