if you like me you must not know who I am
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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