I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Randomize
