6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
