OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
