the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
