I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
