I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
