her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
