True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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