The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
