then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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