thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
