my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
