I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
