DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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