Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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