Umm I'm too high to move.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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