Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
