I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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