Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
