nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize