She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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