tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize
