So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
