She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
