my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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