btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
