Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
