Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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