did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize