this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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