I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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