Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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