Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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