hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
