I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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