Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
