If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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