sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
