I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
