i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
