Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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