ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
