Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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