I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
