Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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