There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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