Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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