i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
