he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
