So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
