Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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