Yo dont text me then not text me
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
