i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
