This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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