we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
