he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Of course I have a pirate flag
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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