He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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