It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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