So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
