just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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